Working Mom Mindset I. Mom Guilt
When I was expecting my first child I was prepared for sleepless nights, poopy diapers and toddler meltdowns, but no one, NO ONE warned me about ‘mom guilt.’ Why is this a thing? I do not remember my mother’s generation ever referring to mom guilt as something they experienced, however, today, it comes up in conversation almost daily.
* It’s crucial to understand this is not a feeling our children feel-this is an emotion we put on ourselves. We carry the burden, not them. *
We can all sympathize with the tears at day care. I can remember my two-year old crying her eyes out as I left for the door. She ran to me with her arms out wide and clung to me screaming “No, mommy, don’t leave me!” It’s gut wrenching. MG in full force. You have probably experienced something like this, you may have even cried as you walked to your car. And then you’re expected to take off the mom hat and dive right into a super-productive workday and totally forget about what just happened.
At this point you’re feeling totally inadequate as a mom. You feel as though you should be at home with your child, spending quality time with them. You feel selfish-you’re putting monetary worth above being with your child. But guess what? Chances are right as you left the daycare parking lot, your child found a toy, met a friend and forgot about the whole thing.
It’s innate in us to be with our children, this is an intrinsic emotion intended for nurturing and caring for our young for survival-meaning we can’t help but to want to be near our offspring-it’s embedded in us. When we leave our young, it does not feel natural.
As a mother to slightly older children, I experience MG after having to discipline my two. But, I have to remind myself it’s healthy to set boundaries- children actually want boundaries because it brings them a sense of security. I do appreciate this age because (after everyone is calm) you can communicate with them, explain consequences and end with “I love you.”
We cannot control our children’s emotions, but we can control ours. We can choose how we react to situations and make the choice to move forward.
It's ok to feel sad in this moment, this is something that is supposed to happen, but it’s not ok to harbor those feelings of guilt the rest of your day because this is anti-productive. What happens when we are anti-productive at work? We end our day feeling frustrated with ourselves because we’ve allowed MG to sabotage our entire day. This is a cycle that no one can benefit from- you are not the best mother when you’re feeling like you aren’t enough at home or work.
We are all trying to do the best we can, regardless of working outside of the home or not, and it’s time we grant ourselves some grace. We are just trying to raise decent humans, and it’s not easy. Whatever the circumstance is, I want you to try these steps after MG has paid you a visit:
1) Allow yourself 10 minutes to reflect on the situation. This is the time to feel all the feels: sadness, frustration, anger, guilt. Feel each one, and then when your 10 minutes are up, you move on with your day and block out MG each time you feel it entering your mind. This will allow you to not bury the emotions but deal with them in a reasonable time frame, giving them their moment, and then releasing them. You will find the more you do this, the less time you need.
2) I want you to try mindfulness. This can be in the form of: exercise, writing in your gratitude journal or just finding a peaceful spot to quiet your mind. These are proven mood boosters and stress relievers. When you practice mindfulness you are giving yourself the gift of clarity, creativity, focus and peace. You are better able to deal with challenges because this automatically regulates emotions, decreases anxiety and increases self esteem.
3) Put all your energy (now that MG isn’t commanding it) into your work. Be as productive and focused as possible throughout your day. Set objectives and cross them off. Prioritize your day- what absolutely must get done? Do it first. This will help you organize your list for the next day, so when you leave for the day, you already know what to expect the next morning. When we feel accomplished at work, we give our best at home.
Moms, remember this: your children are watching you more than you realize, younger than you realize. They see what all you do for them each and every day. They feel your unconditional love, even on the days when you don’t feel like you showed it. They idolize you and your accomplishments, your strength and your determination.
They see you and I see you, and you’re nothing short of amazing.
xo, Court
